Simple Steps for Fighting Fair
January 29, 2008 | Filed Under Articles, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Relationships | Leave a Comment
“You’re just like your father.”
“How hard is it for you to think of someone else for a change?”
“Can’t you do anything right?”
We’ve all heard phrases like these, or perhaps we’ve even said some ourselves… Words like these are powerful and strong enough to start a fight – usually one that ends bitterly for both sides. But it doesn’t have to be this way. There are tools for identifying and moving beyond destructive conflict patterns and I’d like to share a few I learned during my studies at UNO.
The first and most important aspect of relational conflict is perception. The Lens Model Theory states each person see conflict through a different “lens” or “perspective.” This means what both people see (verbal acts or behavior) may be interpreted radically different depending how each person ascribes meaning to oneself, the other, and their combined relationship.
To complicate matters further, there’s the False Attribution Theory. It states we attribute causes of our behavior to external factors (i.e. “I failed the test because the teacher was unfair”). And we attribute causes of other’s behavior to internal dispositions or character flaws (i.e. “He failed the test because he is lazy and didn’t study”).
With this information in mind, it’s safe to admit our view of others is “off the mark” – especially when compounded with an emotionally charged conflict. Simply checking our perception of the situation and asking the other person, “This is how I see things, is this right?” can help disarm a destructive conflict before it begins.
But what if you are currently in the midst of a serious conflict or trust has eroded to the point where even a question like this would be seen as hostile? Let’s take a look at some common destructive patterns and possible alternatives: Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The name comes from the statistically probability that if these patterns are present in your relationship, the end is near.
Criticism is a generally broad accusation or attack; a sharp and negative attempt to point out fault in another. An example would be,
“You are the most selfish man I know! My mother is sick, maybe terminally, and you can’t stir yourself to drive 30 miles for her birthday. Great. Now I get to tell my Mom that I’m married to a narcissistic jerk! Could you think of someone else for a change?”
We often use criticisms to get someone’s attention. We want the other person to know how awful we feel or to make the conflict important enough to resolve. But it rarely works out that way…
A much better way would be to “turn criticism into a constructive complaint.” By using an “I” statement, we can state how we feel, describe undesirable behavior and ask for change. A constructive complaint also leaves out blame and the idea that there is something wrong with the other person.
“I am upset that we are not going to see my Mom together. I have asked you three times to clear your weekend so we could both go see her. Next weekend is her birthday. She is sick and I want to see her, and I want you to come with me. I am frustrated and impatient with the excuses you’ve given me. I hope you will come. I don’t want to have the kind of marriage where I have to see my folks by myself.”
Defensiveness is basically denial; a tactic that tries to ward off an attack (usually the initial criticism) by deferring blame. It is also an effort to protect oneself “against pain, fear, personal responsibility, or new information (Wilmot and Hocker, 2001).” Defensiveness also creates a readiness to strike back and start a criticizing cycle.
Listen to this exchange in an example from Wilmot and Hocker (2001)…
BARBARA: Every time I try to talk to you about my day, you launch off into complaints and whining about how bad life is for you. You never listen to me. [Notice that Barbara is in fact attacking, criticizing, and blaming.]
MARK: If I didn’t get my two cents’ worth in you’d talk all evening. All you ever do is complain. I decided two weeks ago that every time you come home with some “poor me” tale, I’ll match you. Besides, I have a right to be heard too. You aren’t the only important one in this family.
BARBARA: If things are so rotten for you in this relationship, why are you sticking around? All I’m asking for is a little empathy, but I guess that’s beyond you.
Defensiveness drops away when a person can approach the other with a desire to listen and learn about oneself and the other (Paul and Paul 1998). This kind of approach says, “Teach me your perspective and I’ll share with you mine and we’ll both walk away better for it.”
Stonewalling is withdrawing from the conversation (while still being physically there). It withholds “good things” from the other in attempts to get them to “shape up” or “do what I want” in a destructive way. Stonewalling or withholding is common when hostility is sensed or trust hasn’t been built up (Yankelovitch, 1999).
The most effective way to gain trust in a relationship is to lay down your own defenses, share something vulnerable or give information that could hurt you. By allowing your loved one to ability to hurt you, you acknowledge your mutual interdependence and call them to be responsible for their own actions without blaming or criticizing them. They suddenly realize they can hurt you and are forced to ask themselves if that’s what they really want…
Contempt “… is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than [another] (Gottman, 1999).” This can be expressed directly in words or actions or in nonverbal cues and tones (even when all the right things are being said). Contempt includes put-downs, name-calling, hostile corrections, mockery, sarcasm, ridicule, hostile joking, and attack on the personhood of the other. The damage of contempt goes deep, it is where human beings stop being human to us. And we start to believe they deserve any harsh treatment they receive from us or anyone else.
Hopefully this short article helps to name and identify the common destructive conflict patterns of: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt, and gives practical alternatives that build rather than tear down. Of course it is usually takes much longer to actually practice avoiding these patterns in real life! But I know if we do so, we’ll find it easier and easier to resolve previously unresolved issues and build stronger relationships. And that’s something to celebrate!
© 2005, 2008 Kameron Bayne
BIOGRAPHY
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York: W. W. Norton and Co.
Wilmot, W. and J. Hocker. (2001). Interpersonal Conflict. New York: McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2001
Yankelovich, D. (1999). The magic of dialogue: Transforming conflict into cooperation. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Why are Professional Photographers so Expensive?
January 28, 2008 | Filed Under Articles, Related Tips | Leave a Comment
Here’s an interesting article originally posted at Caught on Film. It gives a “behind the scenes” snapshot of the amount of time an average professional will spend to get the desired results of great photography. The author says…
In this digital age where everyone has digital cameras, scanners and home “photo printers”, when people upload their photos to a local drug store website and pick them up a few hours later, we hear this all the time - How in the world do Professional Photographers charge $55 for an 8×10 when they cost just $1.50 at the drug store?
Here’s why.
Simply put, you’re not just paying for the actual photograph, you’re paying for time and expertise…
For a two hour portrait session:
- one hour of travel to and from the session
- two hours of shooting
- 30 minutes of setup, preparation, talking to the client etc.
- 30 minutes to load the photos onto a computer (2 - 4 Gb of data)
- 30 minutes to back up the files on an external drive
- 3 - 4 hours of Photoshop time including cropping, contrast, color, sharpening, saving a copy for print and a copy for the internet and backing up the edited photographs
- 2 - 3 hours to talk to the client, answer questions, receive their order and payment, order their prints, receive and verify prints, package prints, schedule shipment and drop package off at Fed Ex.
- For local [clients], we also print a set of all of their photos, and meet them at our studio to review the photos and place their order. Meeting and travel time averages 2 hours.
You can see how one two hour session easily turns into more than ten hours of work from start to finish. So when you see a Photographer charging a $200 session fee for a two hour photo shoot, you are not paying them $100 / hour.For an eight hour wedding:
- I won’t bore you with the details, but an eight hour wedding typically amounts to at least two to three full 40 hour work weeks worth of time. Again, if they are charging you $4,000 for an eight hour wedding, you are not paying them $500 / hour.
MasterCard and Visa
January 28, 2008 | Filed Under Studio News | Leave a Comment
Thanks to the folks at Midwest Transaction Group for helping us get set up; we now have another payment option besides checks and cash. As of today, we can officially accept MasterCard and Visa. But that’s not all - within a couple weeks, it will be possible to do every transaction securely online with our new Skooks Kart Proofing System. We’re excited about this one, so we’ll keep you posted!
Barack Obama Wins South Carolina
January 26, 2008 | Filed Under Community, Humor | Leave a Comment
In case you haven’t been following the campaign trails, Mr. Obama just won South Carolina for the Democratic Primary. Regardless of political views, I’ve got to hand it to a guy who can talk intelligently about the issues and still be a little silly with David Letterman. Check out his top ten presidential promises…
Bayne Family Portrait
January 23, 2008 | Filed Under Family Portraiture, On Location Photo Shoot | Leave a Comment
Everybody needs a family portrait, even photographers; it’s just more challenging to take the picture AND be in it at the same time.
Meet my dad. He hates having his picture taken! From years ago, we have several JC Penny studio portraits hanging up in the hallway - each with a big ol’ scowl plastered on Dad’s face. But I don’t see it here - all I see is how much he loves his wife and how proud he is of his family! Doesn’t he look like a fuzzy, cuddly teddy bear? Love you guys!
And the Winner is…
January 8, 2008 | Filed Under Omaha Bridal Show, Studio News | Leave a Comment
Congratulations to Bailee Becker, our winner of the Dinner for Two at Lo Sole Mio’s!
We had a great time meeting so many of you at the Bridal Show! After a lot of hard work preparing for the show, we were so glad to actually go, and meet so many new couples and hear some of their stories. We look forward to talking with many of you again in the coming weeks as you plan your weddings. We hope you guys all found some valuable information at the show!
We couldn’t have done this event without the help of our family – who gave up a solid chunk of their time hauling and setting up our booth. Or Brenda, who’s help made this whirlwind of an event fun, organized… and well, almost easy! We couldn’t have done it without you!
Here’s a snapshot of our booth. We didn’t have a chance to get great pictures, but here is one of our booth and a close up of our 4×6 promo cards.
…and it ends.
January 6, 2008 | Filed Under Daily Life, Studio News | Leave a Comment
Wow.
It’s Here!
January 6, 2008 | Filed Under Daily Life | Leave a Comment
Today’s the Bridal Show (10 am - 5 pm)!
It’s Coming…
January 4, 2008 | Filed Under Promo, Studio News | Leave a Comment
The Omaha Bridal Showcase is just around the corner (Jan. 6) and we’ve already received more inquires in these last few weeks than we have all year! We’ve been working long hours to prepare our booth (#13), and we’re excited to be a part of “the largest bridal show in the Midwest.” For a taste of what we do, we’ll be giving out special promotions and a “Romantic Dinner for Two” at Lo Sole Mio (pun intended). If you see us at the show, please stop by and say hello or pickup one of our new promo cards (as seen above)!